She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
