So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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