I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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