I think I won the penis lottery.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
