Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
sarcasm needs its own font
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
