I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Rumble strips road head = magical
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
