you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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