this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
