3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
