i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
