I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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