new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
