Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
