My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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