she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
