fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
