Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
