The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
