my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
