Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
