Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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