i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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