I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
