saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
