I'm pants shitting drunk right now
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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