My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
