Jerry, you need to find god
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
