I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
