My hand turned me down
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
