I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize