I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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