I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
