Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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