how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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