Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
