Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
