those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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