i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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