So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
