Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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