He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
