My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
handjob tips. give me some.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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