Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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