I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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