He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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