I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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