i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
