my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
