new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
