so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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