i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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