every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize