My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
