Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we're so committed to being not committed
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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