I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
